Hope, Dreams and Akward Silences.

Recently, I don't know why. I just feel so lonely.

It's kinda strange actually. Im always used by this feeling. Always have, (I thought) Always will.

Somehow, I feel that something is slipping by. It feels like a drop of sweat or tears that just falls off without reason. It's like im losing something.

Right now, while im writing in this stupid blog. The only thing I hear was the sound of the water pump machine, the always groaning CPU, rats on the roof, the akward silences around me. No human voices at all. Everything feels lonely.

I used to remeber the sound of my own heartbeat when im thinking of a girl that I like. In amidst of all silence, im always fantasizing what'll be like when im with that girl. Creating many happy and sad moments that I know it doesn't exist. Listening to melancholic music to build up the mood. Crying and laughing by the thoughts of my effort to try to take the girl for a date.

What the hell, at least im happy.

At least that emotion makes me feel content. Fullfilled. Humane.

But right now. I feel nothing. Somehow all those things are disappeared.

Lately, when I try to love someone, when Im trying to make a connection.
I feel nothing. Unsignificant.

As if the very thought itself is unnecessary

Lately, when im in the middle of many people, friends, peoples that I care about. I feel that im losing them. I feel that they're slipping. Like a water in a grasp.

When I realized it. Its only me. A mere shell of a man. Having no purpose, no goals nor visions.

Feels like a dead man.

Seeing people laughing, loving, Puposeful. Seeing them creates a wave of jealousy and envy inside me.

How can those people feels alive while im not ?

How can they laughing at each other's joke ? As if there's no problem in their lives. As if they are living only for that moments ?

How can those couples holding hands and talking so intimately ? As if there's no lies and no deception behind those smiles and personas ?

How can they walk so straightly ? As if they know the future, As if they are certains of their goals ?

They are so bright.

And so I ask: What the hell is wrong with me ?

Nothing. It's only me and my twisted mind.

Perhaps. Just Perhaps.

I hope, and so I hope.

Maybe one day, I could feel love again. I could feel the beauty of it. I could be fullifiled.

The only thing I have to do is to have a little courage, and to use that little courage to say many things that has been postponed for the last 4 years.