Sometimes I wonder about what makes me people, human----perhaps me. So vulnerable.
Vulnerable to temptation.
Vulnerable to fear.
Vulnerable to the world around us.
I am so vulnerable that I started making a social connection. As if trying to find a pack. Trying to find a place where I'll become less vulnerable. When im started to feel comfortable, its hard for me to let go. Its hard for me to find another connection or place that protect me from all the vulnerability, because its hurt, to come out from your safe zone.
So I started making a barrier. A defense mechanism, a protective field. So I will stay comfortable forever. I never knew that the defense mechanism I set up will someday hurt the very things that I try to protect. Myself.
Its hard for me to come to a realization that everything will gone eventually. Nothing last forever. But, people, us, I am, don't even give a damn about all those things. I forget, I avoid, I turn a blind eye to what is right in front of me.
The truth is, its hard to face the truth. When I realize that everything is gone. I started to regret. I started to look for the one who needs to be blamed. I started to look for reasoning behind the lost. The truth is, I was warned. But I just don't care. I thought that eveyrthing will last forever.
In the end, no matter how safe I am, no matter how comfortable i've become. One day I will have to come out and embrace the vulnerability once again. Searching once again, and hope to find another place that will shelter me from all the vulnerability. Its a neverending cycle. I just have to accept it.
I just lost something I didn't even know im losing. LOL.
Minggu, 09 Mei 2010
Sabtu, 08 Mei 2010
The Things That We Lost In The Fire
As I grow. There's a lot of things that I lost.
Most of the times, the things that I lost is myself.
I still remember the times in my childhood. When I asked about what will I be in the future.
I was five years old. I barely even know the world. Naively, I answered: "I will be a pilot."
Other kids usually say that they will become a president, an engineer or an architecht. It was a very typical answer for kids.
As I grow up, the thought of becoming a pilot has lost gradually.
I was ten years old when I watch a cartoon about a boy who strife to becme a cooking master. I was so moved by the cartoon, I started to think that I should become a cook or a chef one day.
As I grow up, the thought of becoming a chef has become obsolete.
You see, as times moves on. Our dreams, our goals, our thoughts also moving on. We change along the courses of life.
My dreams is not the only thing who change as I grow up.
My perspective also changes.
The way my parents, teachers and environment teaches me, change me of who I am. Shape me into the man I am today.
The changes is not without a sacrifice. In the process, I lost many things.
I used to think that the everyone is happy. That life is kind and merciful.
I used to think that everyone loves me. That people care about each other.
I used to think that the world is black and white. That there's only 2 kinds of people in the world, the good and the bad.
I used to think that my family, my friends, people that I love will be around me forever.
I have lost many things in the process of growing and living.
But you see, it doesn't stop me to keep on living. It doesn't stop everyone to keep on moving.
Perhaps life is cruel. So what ? There's thousands of people who have survived the cruelty of life and still be happy and keep on living without worry.
Perhaps people are bunch liars, egoistical-self righteous-hypocritical morons. So what ? That what makes us human.
Perhaps life is short, everything is meant to be broken and lost. So what ? Im not gonna give up my rights to live and to enjoy life to the fullest.
I know that as I grow up further, many things will be lost. The things that I cherised, the things that I love, the things that I care about, The things that I used to know.
But you know, My memories will treasure it all. The moments, every second of it.
The only thing I have to do is to look forward, keep walking and hope for the light at the end of the road. Because one day, when I look back. I could smile and be grateful for all the things that I have passed.
Most of the times, the things that I lost is myself.
I still remember the times in my childhood. When I asked about what will I be in the future.
I was five years old. I barely even know the world. Naively, I answered: "I will be a pilot."
Other kids usually say that they will become a president, an engineer or an architecht. It was a very typical answer for kids.
As I grow up, the thought of becoming a pilot has lost gradually.
I was ten years old when I watch a cartoon about a boy who strife to becme a cooking master. I was so moved by the cartoon, I started to think that I should become a cook or a chef one day.
As I grow up, the thought of becoming a chef has become obsolete.
You see, as times moves on. Our dreams, our goals, our thoughts also moving on. We change along the courses of life.
My dreams is not the only thing who change as I grow up.
My perspective also changes.
The way my parents, teachers and environment teaches me, change me of who I am. Shape me into the man I am today.
The changes is not without a sacrifice. In the process, I lost many things.
I used to think that the everyone is happy. That life is kind and merciful.
I used to think that everyone loves me. That people care about each other.
I used to think that the world is black and white. That there's only 2 kinds of people in the world, the good and the bad.
I used to think that my family, my friends, people that I love will be around me forever.
I have lost many things in the process of growing and living.
But you see, it doesn't stop me to keep on living. It doesn't stop everyone to keep on moving.
Perhaps life is cruel. So what ? There's thousands of people who have survived the cruelty of life and still be happy and keep on living without worry.
Perhaps people are bunch liars, egoistical-self righteous-hypocritical morons. So what ? That what makes us human.
Perhaps life is short, everything is meant to be broken and lost. So what ? Im not gonna give up my rights to live and to enjoy life to the fullest.
I know that as I grow up further, many things will be lost. The things that I cherised, the things that I love, the things that I care about, The things that I used to know.
But you know, My memories will treasure it all. The moments, every second of it.
The only thing I have to do is to look forward, keep walking and hope for the light at the end of the road. Because one day, when I look back. I could smile and be grateful for all the things that I have passed.
Minggu, 02 Mei 2010
Hope, Dreams and Akward Silences.
Recently, I don't know why. I just feel so lonely.
It's kinda strange actually. Im always used by this feeling. Always have, (I thought) Always will.
Somehow, I feel that something is slipping by. It feels like a drop of sweat or tears that just falls off without reason. It's like im losing something.
Right now, while im writing in this stupid blog. The only thing I hear was the sound of the water pump machine, the always groaning CPU, rats on the roof, the akward silences around me. No human voices at all. Everything feels lonely.
I used to remeber the sound of my own heartbeat when im thinking of a girl that I like. In amidst of all silence, im always fantasizing what'll be like when im with that girl. Creating many happy and sad moments that I know it doesn't exist. Listening to melancholic music to build up the mood. Crying and laughing by the thoughts of my effort to try to take the girl for a date.
What the hell, at least im happy.
At least that emotion makes me feel content. Fullfilled. Humane.
But right now. I feel nothing. Somehow all those things are disappeared.
Lately, when I try to love someone, when Im trying to make a connection.
I feel nothing. Unsignificant.
As if the very thought itself is unnecessary
Lately, when im in the middle of many people, friends, peoples that I care about. I feel that im losing them. I feel that they're slipping. Like a water in a grasp.
When I realized it. Its only me. A mere shell of a man. Having no purpose, no goals nor visions.
Feels like a dead man.
Seeing people laughing, loving, Puposeful. Seeing them creates a wave of jealousy and envy inside me.
How can those people feels alive while im not ?
How can they laughing at each other's joke ? As if there's no problem in their lives. As if they are living only for that moments ?
How can those couples holding hands and talking so intimately ? As if there's no lies and no deception behind those smiles and personas ?
How can they walk so straightly ? As if they know the future, As if they are certains of their goals ?
They are so bright.
And so I ask: What the hell is wrong with me ?
Nothing. It's only me and my twisted mind.
Perhaps. Just Perhaps.
I hope, and so I hope.
Maybe one day, I could feel love again. I could feel the beauty of it. I could be fullifiled.
The only thing I have to do is to have a little courage, and to use that little courage to say many things that has been postponed for the last 4 years.
It's kinda strange actually. Im always used by this feeling. Always have, (I thought) Always will.
Somehow, I feel that something is slipping by. It feels like a drop of sweat or tears that just falls off without reason. It's like im losing something.
Right now, while im writing in this stupid blog. The only thing I hear was the sound of the water pump machine, the always groaning CPU, rats on the roof, the akward silences around me. No human voices at all. Everything feels lonely.
I used to remeber the sound of my own heartbeat when im thinking of a girl that I like. In amidst of all silence, im always fantasizing what'll be like when im with that girl. Creating many happy and sad moments that I know it doesn't exist. Listening to melancholic music to build up the mood. Crying and laughing by the thoughts of my effort to try to take the girl for a date.
What the hell, at least im happy.
At least that emotion makes me feel content. Fullfilled. Humane.
But right now. I feel nothing. Somehow all those things are disappeared.
Lately, when I try to love someone, when Im trying to make a connection.
I feel nothing. Unsignificant.
As if the very thought itself is unnecessary
Lately, when im in the middle of many people, friends, peoples that I care about. I feel that im losing them. I feel that they're slipping. Like a water in a grasp.
When I realized it. Its only me. A mere shell of a man. Having no purpose, no goals nor visions.
Feels like a dead man.
Seeing people laughing, loving, Puposeful. Seeing them creates a wave of jealousy and envy inside me.
How can those people feels alive while im not ?
How can they laughing at each other's joke ? As if there's no problem in their lives. As if they are living only for that moments ?
How can those couples holding hands and talking so intimately ? As if there's no lies and no deception behind those smiles and personas ?
How can they walk so straightly ? As if they know the future, As if they are certains of their goals ?
They are so bright.
And so I ask: What the hell is wrong with me ?
Nothing. It's only me and my twisted mind.
Perhaps. Just Perhaps.
I hope, and so I hope.
Maybe one day, I could feel love again. I could feel the beauty of it. I could be fullifiled.
The only thing I have to do is to have a little courage, and to use that little courage to say many things that has been postponed for the last 4 years.
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